Sunday, January 17, 2010

How to be noticed in church

So, you want to be noticed. In church. No matter the motives, the methods are the same. Here is a list of Pinoy churchgoing practices that are bound to help heads turn your way. I gather these from three years' experience of attending mass in a chapel beside a mall (i.e., where the experts attend mass). I assure you that those heads would not be smiling, but as long as they don't breathe a word to you, you can go on turning heads this way. Ready?

1. Getting noticed starts with the clothes. Pick out your rattiest pair of pants. Or do like the party girls do, wear short shorts, spaghetti straps and bling. Keep your cool hat on. Or wear slippers. If you're a guy, wear a sando or beach shorts. Tropical!

2. Even if there is somebody at home to watch him, bring your wailing baby. Or bring a restless tot and tell him that "Bro" is on the cross, but He'll come down and snatch him if he misbehaves. Make your voice loud as you say this so other people will be impressed by your wit.

3. If you don't have a baby or a toddler, bring your living breathing barking animal. Tie its fur in pink ribbons and give it a shirt to wear to make it look more like a person. Nobody will be able to tell the difference.

4. If you have neither kid nor dog, you can bring a big bag and treat it like a person. Save it a seat and leave that old person standing on the side without a seat. Who could bear seeing a genuine LV on the floor? Sacrilege!

5. Act bored. Rest both arms on the back of the seat, cross your legs, step on the cushion for kneeling, preferably after you stepped on wet grass. Slouch and make faces at your brother. And when your mother tells you to quit it, pout until the end of the mass.

6. Talk to your companion when the priest is talking. Shut your mouth when people are responding. Repeat 70 x 7 times.

Good luck being noticed! I hope the people at your church become more vocal about correcting bad conduct.


sunnyday said...


I like the part about the wailing baby, dog or (ahem) the LV bag.

You think if churches posted guidelines on appropriate dress and behavior in church this way, behavior modification would happen more? :-D

Oh, where'd you find the photo? Acknowledge mo naman!

sunnyday said...

You forgot to mention, wear a backless top and sit in one of the first few pews. Make sure your rose tattoo on that spot on your back is peeking so everyone can see it.

If your tattoo is on your lower back, make sure you have your baby tee and your low-rise jeans/shorts on.

petrufied said...

lol. I found the photo in petmonologues.

I'm not sure if people care enough to read church bulletins. maybe they should announce. but then i catch people who REALLY don't listen. That or they don't understand english.

LOL on the rose tattoo. meron din skullz XD